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PostPosted: Mon Nov 23, 2009 3:13 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Climate-gate is also going to accomplish something else - it's going to severely tax the MSM's ability to hide the fact that - outside of the meaningless, superficial crap they spew to sell the Left-Right divide - they march in absolute lockstep on these globalism-related issues.

There is going to be a lot of late night, backroom hand-wringing going on if this manages to go viral enough that they can't ignore it.

There will have to be a concerted effort to firmly attach this to the Right, and blow it off as some kind of "opinion" or planted disinfo. And I wish them luck with that. Cool
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PostPosted: Mon Nov 23, 2009 3:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Rumpl4skn wrote:
Climate-gate is also going to accomplish something else - it's going to severely tax the MSM's ability to hide the fact that - outside of the meaningless, superficial crap they spew to sell the Left-Right divide - they march in absolute lockstep on these globalism-related issues.

There is going to be a lot of late night, backroom hand-wringing going on if this manages to go viral enough that they can't ignore it.

There will have to be a concerted effort to firmly attach this to the Right, and blow it off as some kind of "opinion" or planted disinfo. And I wish them luck with that. Cool

Unfortunately they have been able to marginalize or ignore this story for the most part. It really does show their true colors.

Hopefully there will be enough pressure applied to propel this story into the MSM light, but I suspect they will package this as more "unsubstantiated, libelous information pushed by the evil blogosphere" which is a meme they are frequently using now.
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PostPosted: Mon Nov 23, 2009 4:19 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote


The T Shirt.


Minds are like parachutes.
They only function when open.
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PostPosted: Mon Nov 23, 2009 4:25 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

These arrogant fraudsters for fraudsters are what we now know them to be have refused, for years and years and years, to reveal their data and their computer program listings.

Now we know why: As a revealing 15,000-line document from the computer division at the Climate Research Unit shows, the programs and data are a hopeless, tangled mess. In effect, the global temperature trends have simply been made up

Procurement of data destruction, as they are about to find out to
their cost, is a criminal offense. They are not merely bad scientists
they are crooks. And crooks who have perpetrated their crimes
at the expense of British and U.S. taxpayers.

--Lord Monkton

Your Tax Dollars At Work:
Meet Harry, the Programmer

Mr. Ian (Harry) Harris
Dendroclimatology, climate scenario development,
data manipulation and visualisation, programming

Harry is busy meticulously compiling accurate data
for use in global climate models and reports:



Its Sunday evening, Ive worked all weekend,
and just when I thought it was done Im hitting yet another
problem thats based on the hopeless state of our databases.

There is no uniform data integrity,
its just a catalogue of issues that continues
to grow as theyre found."

function mkp2correlation,indts,depts,remts,t,filter=filter,refperiod=refperio$datathresh=datathresh;
pro maps12,yrstart,doinfill=doinfill
; Plots 24 yearly maps of calibrated (PCR-infilled or not) MXD reconstructions
; of growing season temperatures. Uses corrected MXD but shouldnt usually
; plot past 1960 because these will be artificially adjusted to look closer to
; the real temperatures

I was expecting that maybe the latter contained 94-00 normals,
what I wasn't expecting was that thet are in % x10 not %!
Unbelievable - even here the conventions have not been followed.
It's botch after botch after botch. Modified the conversion program
to process either kind of normals line.

Decided to go with the 'spc.94-00.0312221624.dtb' database, as it
hopefully has some of the 94-00 normals in. I just wish I knew more.

Conversion was hampered by the discovery that some stations have a mix
of % and % x10 values! So more mods to Hsp2cldp_m.for. Then conversion,
producing cldfromspc.94000312221624.dtb. Copied the .dts file across
as is, not sure what it does unfortunately (or can't remember!).

This still meant an awful lot of encounters with naughty Master stations, when really I suspect nobody else gives a hoot about. So with a somewhat cynical shrug, I added the nuclear option to match every WMO possible, and turn the rest into new stations (er, CLIMAT excepted). In other words, what CRU usually do. It will allow bad databases to pass unnoticed, and good databases to become bad, but I really dont think people care enough to fix em, and its the main reason the project is nearly a year late.

You cant imagine what this has cost me to actually allow the operator to assign false WMO codes!! But what else is there in such situations? Especially when dealing with a Master database of dubious provenance (which, er, they all are and always will be).

So.. we don't have the coefficients files (just .eps plots of something). But
what are all those monthly files? DON'T KNOW, UNDOCUMENTED. Wherever I look,
there are data files, no info about what they are other than their names. And
that's useless.. take the above example, the filenames in the _mon and _ann
directories are identical, but the contents are not. And the only difference
is that one directory is apparently 'monthly' and the other 'annual' - yet
both contain monthly files

The option (like all the anomdtb options) is
totally undocumented so we'll never know what we lost.

Right, time to stop pussyfooting around the niceties of Tim's labyrinthine software
suites - let's have a go at producing CRU TS 3.0! since failing to do that will be the
definitive failure of the entire project

getting seriously fed up with the state of the Australian data.
so many new stations have been introduced, so many false references..
so many changes that aren't documented. Every time a cloud forms I'm
presented with a bewildering selection of similar-sounding sites, some
with references, some with WMO codes, and some with both.

I am very sorry to report that the rest of the databases seem to be in
nearly as poor a state as Australia was.
There are hundreds if not
thousands of pairs of dummy stations, one with no WMO and one with,
usually overlapping and with the same station name and very similar
coordinates. I know it could be old and new stations, but why such large
overlaps if that's the case? Aarrggghhh! There truly is no end in sight.

I am seriously worried that our flagship gridded data product is produced
by Delaunay triangulation - apparently linear as well. As far as I can see,
this renders the station counts totally meaningless.

It also means that we cannot say exactly how the gridded data is arrived
at from a statistical perspective
- since we're using an off-the-shelf
product that isn't documented sufficiently to say that. Why this wasn't
coded up in Fortran I don't know - time pressures perhaps? Was too
much effort expended on homogenisation, that there wasn't enough time
to write a gridding procedure?

Of course, it's too late for me to fix it too.


Minds are like parachutes.
They only function when open.

Last edited by Fintan on Mon Nov 23, 2009 9:37 pm; edited 1 time in total
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PostPosted: Mon Nov 23, 2009 6:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A Total Rout!

Minds are like parachutes.
They only function when open.
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PostPosted: Mon Nov 23, 2009 9:29 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Take your pick:


I searched 'harry'-I can't buy the innocent programmer line,thanks.

I randomly opened other emails-each was as damning as any other.

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PostPosted: Mon Nov 23, 2009 10:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Robert wrote:
Take your pick:


I searched 'harry'-I can't buy the innocent programmer line,thanks.

I randomly opened other emails-each was as damning as any other.


Nice to see it has it's own website now. The zip file is nice, but here you can highlight quotes and also reference.
Damn, they're fucked.
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PostPosted: Mon Nov 23, 2009 11:04 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Laughing Laughing

They'll never learn.



From: Phil Jones
To: "Michael E. Mann" >
Subject: Re: For your eyes only Laughing Laughing
Date: Thu Feb 3 13:11:46 2005

It would be good to produce future series with and without the long
instrumental series and maybe the documentary ones as well. The long
measurements can then be used to validate the low-freq aspects at least
back to 1750, maybe earlier with the documentary. There are some key
warm decades (1730s, some in the 16th century) which the Moberg
reconstruction completely misses and gives the impression that all
years are cold between 1500 and 1750.

Away Feb 6-10 and 12-20 and 22-25 (last in Chicago - on the panel to
consider the vertical temp work of CCSP).

Thanks Phil,
Yes, we've learned out lesson about FTP. We're going to be very careful in the future what gets put there. Scott really screwed up big time when he established that directory so that Tim could access the data.
Yeah, there is a freedom of information act in the U.S., and the contrarians are going to try to use it for all its worth. But there are also intellectual property rights issues, so it isn't clear how these sorts of things will play out ultimately in the U.S.

I saw the paleo draft (actually I saw an early version, and sent Keith some minor comments). It looks very good at present--will be interesting to see how they deal w/ the contrarian criticisms--there will be many. I'm hoping they'll stand firm (I believe they will--I think the chapter has the right sort of personalities for that)...
Will keep you updated on stuff...
talk to you later,

At 09:41 AM 2/2/2005, Phil Jones wrote:

I presume congratulations are in order - so congrats etc !
Just sent loads of station data to Scott. Make sure he documents everything betterthis time ! And don't leave stuff lying around on ftp sites - you never know who is trawling them. The two MMs have been after the CRU station data for years. If they ever hear there is a Freedom of Information Act now in the UK, I think I'll delete the file rather than
send to anyone. Does your similar act in the US force you to respond to enquiries within 20 days? - our does ! The UK works on precedents, so the first request will test it. We also have a data protection act, which I will hide behind. Tom Wigley has sent me a worried email when he heard about it - thought people could ask him for his model code. He has retired officially from UEA so he can hide behind that. IPR should be relevant
here, but I can see me getting into an argument with someone at UEA who'll say we must adhere
to it !
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PostPosted: Mon Nov 23, 2009 11:26 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote




Remember all the fun we had last year over 1995 global temperatures,
with early release of information (via Oz), "inventing" the December
monthly value, letters to Nature etc etc?

I think we should have a cunning plan about what to do this year,
simply to avoid a lot of wasted time.

I have been discussing with David P and suggest the following:

1. By 20 Dec we will have land and sea data up to Nov

2. David (?) computes the December land anomaly based on 500hPa
heights up to 20 Dec.

3. We assume that Dec SST anomaly is the same as Nov

4. We can therefore give a good estimate of 1996 global temps by 20

5. We feed this selectively to Nick Nuttall (who has had this in the
past and seems now to expect special treatment) so that he can write
an article for the silly season. We could also give this to Neville

6. We explain that data is provisional and how the data has been
created so early (ie the estimate for Dec) and also

7. We explain why the globe is 0.23k (or whatever the final figure is)
cooler than 95 (NAO reversal, slight La Nina). Also that global annual
avg is only accuirate to a few hundredths of a degree (we said this
last year - can we be more exact, eg PS/MS 0.05K or is this to big??)


9. We relesae the final estimate on 20 Jan, with a joint UEA/MetO
press release. It may not evoke any interest by then.

10. For questions after the release to Nuttall, (I late Dec, early
Jan) we give the same answer as we gave him.

Are you happy with this, or can you suggest something better (ie
simpler)? I know it sound a bit cloak-and-dagger but its just meant to
save time in the long run.

Im copying this to DEP and CKF also for comments.


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PostPosted: Tue Nov 24, 2009 4:33 am    Post subject: Reply with quote


In Climate Hack Story, Could Talk of Cover-Up Be as Serious as Crime?

November 23, 2009


by Antonio Regalado

The University of East Anglia, whose stolen documents caused a furor of excitement among climate skeptics over the weekend, said today that it had called in police to investigate possible criminal activity.

But university researchers may also find themselves in legal jeopardy if they deleted emails requested under the U.K.s Freedom of Information (FOIA) legislation, a crime under U.K. law.

The case of the climate hack began last week when an anonymous individual calling himself FOIA released hundreds of private emails and documents belonging to East Anglia's influential Climatic Research Unit.

In recent years, the university had been subject to a flurry of information requests from bloggers and others skeptical of man-made global warming demanding to see raw data used to calculate temperatures, as well as for scientific correspondence. The university has rejected most of the requests citing various exemptions to the U.K. public disclosure law, which took effect in 2005.

It now appears a data thief may have taken matters into their own hands by copying and releasing the documents.

It's definitely a crime to do that in the U.K., and we have reported it to the police", said Simon Dunford, a spokesman at East Anglia, which is conducting an internal probe.

But the emails, which appear to be genuine, though their authenticity could not be confirmed, indicate a concerted effort to fight the FOI requests that may itself have slipped into questionable territory.

For instance, in May of 2008, the school received a legal information request for correspondence of an East Anglia researcher, Keith Briffa, involved in the preparation of the most recent scientific report of the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change, known as AR4. Two days later, according to the alleged correspondence, Phil Jones, Director of the Climatic Research Unit, sent out an email to colleagues asking them to delete any such emails.

From: Phil Jones <p>
To: "Michael E. Mann" <mann>
Subject: IPCC & FOI:04:11 2008
Date: Thu May 29 11
Can you delete any emails you may have had with Keith re AR4?
Keith will do likewise. He's not in at the moment - minor family crisis.
Can you also email Gene and get him to do the same? I don't
have his new email address.
We will be getting Caspar to do likewise.
I see that CA claim they discovered the 1945 problem in the Nature paper!!

According to Hazel Moffatt, a partner in the litigation and regulatory department at the law firm DLA Piper in London, deleting emails subject to a FOI request is a criminal offense in the United Kingdom, punishable with a fine. “It’s quite naughty to do that,” said Ms. Moffatt.

In comments on the apparent data theft at Real Climate, Gavin Schmidt of NASA said: "There is an ill-advised suggestion, but there is no evidence that any email that was responsive to a FOI request actually was deleted. Obviously one would hope that none were."

Jones did not respond to a request for comment.

In an email, Mann, a climatologist and statistician at Pennsylvania State University, University Park, said, “I did not delete any emails at all in response to Phil Jone's [sic] request, nor did I indicate to him that I would.”

Mann, the author of a well known paleoclimate reconstruction that has been subject to skeptics’ attacks, declined to comment on whether scientists were justified in resisting FOI requests from skeptics.

According to Ross McKitrick, an economist at the University of Guelph in Ontario, who was among those sending FOI demands to East Anglia on behalf of Climate Audit, a skeptics blog. [Sic] The May FOI request at issue sought information about whether unpublished scientific data had been used in the IPCC report in ways that could violate the Nobel-prize winning groups’ rules.

The leaked emails show Jones and colleagues feared that releasing information would draw them deeper into disputes with amateur scientists, who would use it to create new controversies and cut into their research time.

However, some scientists expressed concern that East Anglia’s refusals could backfire. In one of the emails, climatologist Tom Wigley, of the University Corporation for Atmospheric Research, cautioned in an email to Jones that “the issue of with-holding data is still a hot potato. ... Yes, there are reasons -- but many *good* scientists appear to be unsympathetic to these. The trouble here is that with-holding data looks like hiding something, and hiding means (in some eyes) that it is bogus science that is being hidden.”

Given the importance of East Anglia’s data and correspondence in shaping climate policy, including via IPCC reports, some mainstream scientists now say they find the evidence of efforts at data withholding troubling.

“The problem seems to be that [sic] the circling of the wagons strategy developed by small groups of climate researchers in response to the politically motivated attacks,” Judith Curry, a climatologist at the Georgia Institute of Technology in Atlanta wrote in an internet posting this week.


Another potential concern are Jones’ emails stating that he convinced FOI officers not to release data to greenhouse skeptics because they planned to harm the university or setback climate science. “Think I've managed to persuade UEA to ignore all further FOIA requests if the people have anything to do with Climate Audit,” Jones wrote in a 2007 email.

According to Moffatt, the U.K.’s FOI law is supposed to be “identity blind” meaning that requests should be judged on the merits, not who does the requesting.

Eventually, East Anglia’s refusal to approve FOI requests may have played a role in the leak of the pilfered documents. Stephen McIntyre, a retired industry consultant who runs Climate Audit, speculated on his site that an insider may have leaked the documents and could be protected by whistle-blower laws.

A link to an FTP site containing the documents was first posted last week on the Air Vent, another skeptic blog, by the anonymous poster calling himself “FOIA”. The poster’s message read:

We feel that climate science is, in the current situation, too important to be kept under wraps.

We hereby release a random selection of correspondence, code, and documents.

Hopefully it will give some insight into the science and the people behind it.

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PostPosted: Tue Nov 24, 2009 7:06 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Red Alert! Red Alert!

Paycheck at Stake! Paycheck at Stake!

The deluge of reformed MSM globawarm-sophomoricaholics backpeddalling frantically to save their sorry careers from the heat, the disinfectant of unskewed sunny sunny data has begun. First to scramble for the Titanic's lifeboats, is, none other than...


The Knights Carbonic

The conspiracy which proves that manmade global warming is a scam

By George Monbiot, published in the Guardian, 23rd November 2009


Its no use pretending that this isnt a major blow. The emails extracted by a hacker from the climatic research unit at the University of East Anglia could scarcely be more damaging(1). I am now convinced that they are genuine, and Im dismayed and deeply shaken by them.

Yes, the messages were obtained illegally. Yes, all of us say things in emails that would be excruciating if made public. Yes, some of the comments have been taken out of context.
But there are some messages that require no spin to make them look bad.

There appears to be evidence here of attempts to prevent scientific data from being released(2,3), and even to destroy material that was subject to a freedom of information request(4).

Worse still, some of the emails suggest efforts to prevent the publication of work by climate sceptics(5,6), or to keep it out of a report by the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change(7).

I believe that the head of the unit, Phil Jones, should now resign.

Some of the data discussed in the emails should be re-analysed.

But do these revelations justify the sceptics claims that this is the final nail in the coffin of global warming theory?(8,9)

Not at all.

They damage the credibility of three or four scientists.

They raise questions about the integrity of one or perhaps two out of several hundred lines of evidence.

To bury manmade climate change, a far wider conspiracy would have to be revealed.

Luckily for the sceptics, and to my intense disappointment, I have now been passed the damning email which confirms that the entire science of global warming is indeed a scam.

Had I known that it was this easy to rig the evidence, I wouldnt have wasted years of my life promoting a bogus discipline.

In the interests of open discourse, I feel obliged to reproduce it here.

From: ernst.kattweizel@redcar.ac.uk
Sent: 29th October 2009
To: The Knights Carbonic

Gentlemen, the culmination of our great plan approaches fast. What the Master called the ordering of mens affairs by a transcendent world state, ordained by God and answerable to no man, which we now know as Communist World Government, advances towards its climax at Copenhagen. For 185 years since the Master, known to the laity as Joseph Fourier, launched his scheme for world domination, the entire physical science community has been working towards this moment.

The early phases of the plan worked magnificently. First the Masters initial thesis - that the release of infrared radiation is delayed by the atmosphere - had to be accepted by the scientific establishment. I will not bother you with details of the gold paid, the threats made and the blood spilt to achieve this end. But the result was the elimination of the naysayers and the disgrace or incarceration of the Masters rivals. Within 35 years the 3rd Warden of the Grand Temple of the Knights Carbonic (our revered prophet John Tyndall) was able to demonstrate the Masters thesis. Our control of physical science was by then so tight that no major objections were sustained.

More resistence was encountered (and swiftly despatched) when we sought to install the 6th Warden (Svante Arrhenius) first as professor of physics at Stockholm University, then as rector. From this position he was able to project the Masters second grand law - that the infrared radiation trapped in a planets atmosphere increases in line with the quantity of carbon dioxide the atmosphere contains. He and his followers (led by the Junior Warden Max Planck) were then able to adapt the entire canon of physical and chemical science to sustain the second law.

Then began the most hazardous task of all: our attempt to control the instrumental record. Securing the consent of the scientific establishment was a simple matter. But thermometers had by then become widely available, and amateur meteorologists were making their own readings. We needed to show a steady rise as industrialisation proceeded, but some of these unfortunates had other ideas. The global co-option of police and coroners required unprecedented resources, but so far we have been able to cover our tracks.

The over-enthusiasm of certain of the Knights Carbonic in 1998 was most regrettable. The high reading in that year has proved impossibly costly to sustain. Those of our enemies who have yet to be silenced maintain that the lower temperatures after that date provide evidence of global cooling, even though we have ensured that eight of the ten warmest years since 1850 have occurred since 2001(10). From now on we will engineer a smoother progression.

Our co-option of the physical world has been just as successful. The thinning of the Arctic ice cap was a masterstroke. The ring of secret nuclear power stations around the Arctic Circle, attached to giant immersion heaters, remains undetected, as do the space-based lasers dissolving the worlds glaciers.

Altering the migratory and reproductive patterns of the worlds wildlife has proved more challenging. Though we have now asserted control over the worlds biologists, there is no accounting for the unauthorised observations of farmers, gardeners, bird-watchers and other troublemakers. We have therefore been forced to drive migrating birds, fish and insects into higher latitudes, and to release several million tonnes of plant pheromones every year to accelerate flowering and fruiting. None of this is cheap, and ever more public money, secretly diverted from national accounts by compliant governments, is required to sustain it.

The co-operation of these governments requires unflagging effort. The capture of George W. Bush, a late convert to the cause of Communist World Government, was made possible only by the threatened release of footage filmed by a knight at Yale, showing the future president engaged in coitus with a Ford Mustang. Most ostensibly-capitalist governments remain apprised of where their real interests lie, though I note with disappointment that we have so far failed to eliminate Vaclav Klaus. Through the offices of compliant states, the Masters third grand law has been accepted: world government will be established under the guise of controlling manmade emissions of greenhouse gases.

Keeping the scientific community in line remains a challenge. The national academies are becoming ever more querulous and greedy, and require higher pay-offs each year. The inexplicable events of the past month, in which the windows of all the leading scientific institutions were broken and a horses head turned up in James Hansens bed, appear to have staved off the immediate crisis, but for how much longer can we maintain the consensus?

Knights Carbonic, now that the hour of our triumph is at hand, I urge you all to redouble your efforts. In the name of the Master, go forth and terrify.

Professor Ernst Kattweizel, University of Redcar. 21st Grand Warden of the Temple of the Knights Carbonic.

This is the kind of conspiracy the deniers need to reveal to show that manmade climate change is a con. The hacked emails are a hard knock, but the science of global warming withstands much more than that.



1. http://www.anelegantchaos.org/

2. http://www.anelegantchaos.org/cru/emails.php?eid=914&filename=1219239172.txt

3. http://www.anelegantchaos.org/cru/emails.php?eid=490&filename=1107454306.txt

4. http://www.anelegantchaos.org/cru/emails.php?eid=891&filename=1212063122.txt

5. http://www.anelegantchaos.org/cru/emails.php?eid=307&filename=1051190249.txt

6. http://www.anelegantchaos.org/cru/emails.php?eid=484&filename=1106322460.txt

7. http://www.anelegantchaos.org/cru/emails.php?eid=419&filename=1089318616.txt

8. eg http://blogs.telegraph.co.uk/news/jamesdelingpole/100017393/climategate-the-final-nail-in-the-coffin-of-anthropogenic-global-warming/

9. http://www.wnd.com/index.php?fa=PAGE.view&pageId=116882

10. http://www.metoffice.gov.uk/corporate/pressoffice/2008/pr20081216.html

I need to kooool off!

atm Cool
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PostPosted: Tue Nov 24, 2009 9:28 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

atm wrote:
I need to kooool off!
atm 8)

Well sit thee doone and chaw on this. ;-)

Iowahawk Geographic: The Secret Life of Climate Researchers


Our very planet depends on them. Yet they remain nature's most elusive scientific species, inhabiting some of the world's most delicate and daunting academic environments. But thanks to new breakthroughs in high speed cameras and email files, metascientists are finally beginning to understand their mysterious behaviors and complex social interactions. Tonight on Iowahawk Geographic: step inside the Secret Life of the Climate Researchers.

French Horn Fanfare Theme

Fast-cut montage of walrus mating with polar bear, astronomer peering through telescope into neighbor's window, cheetahs chasing penguins on the Serengeti, scientists filling out NSF grant proposals

Dah dat dat DAAAH dat, dah daht duh dah dee-dah dee dah-dah!


This is the University of East Anglia in the United Kingdom, home of one of the largest nesting populations of climate scientists in Europe.

Gentle ant's-eye scene of idyllic campus lawn, strewn about with drunken mating undergraduates

Each year it attracts magnificent migratory flocks of graduate students, adjuncts and visiting faculty from across the northern hemisphere.

Shots of jumbo jets landing at Heathrow; herds of climate researchers busily milling at Duty Free shops, retrieving baggage, phoning for prearranged limo service

Within minutes of arriving on campus, the migratory researchers approach the entrance of the Climate Research Unit and perform the secret credential dance, fiercely displaying their prominent curriculum vitae. This signals to the security drone that they can be trusted with the sacred electronic lanyard badge that will grant them entrance to the hive's inner sanctum.

During the upcoming research season, this hive alone will produce over 6 million metric tons of grant-sustaining climate data guano, but until recently little was known about the elusive genus of homo scientifica living inside. Where do they come from? What strange force draws them here year after year? In order to unravel the mystery, Iowahawk Geographic documentary filmmaker David Burge undertook a painstaking one-week project to finally capture the climate researchers in their native habitat.

In this exclusive footage, Burge warily approaches the hive's security drone, disguising himself as smelly graduate student. Burge has theorized that as a member of the lowest stratum in the hive's social system, the drone likely enjoys partying. He reaches into his backpack and offers the drone a pint of Guinness and a small bag of weed in exchange for the hive's internal security tapes and email files. Success.

The never-before seen security tapes obtained by Burge provide a rare glimpse into the inner working of the climate research hive and its amazing guano production. In this sequence, we see one group of researchers entering the hive each carrying a datum they have retrieved from a distant climate measuring station. This is the cause of much excitement among their colleagues, who buzz around in a grant-writing frenzy.

Infrared heat map film of highly agitated researchers

But there's a problem: as the worker researchers attempt to store each raw datum into the neat honeycomb hockey stick structure provided by the hive's Alpha Grantwriter, they discover that few will fit. The infrared shows them growing cool with fear. This signals the climate researcher's instinctive behavior to begin viciously beating, rolling and normalizing the data into submission. According to Dr. Nigel V.H. Oldham, professor emeritus at Oxford University's Centre for Metascience, this violent data dance is what makes climate researchers unique among breeds of scientists.

Professor Nigel V.H. Oldham

Like other species in the order homo scientifica, the climate researcher gathers and organizes data to lure grant money to the hive. In contrast to those other species, however, the climate researcher has evolved a set of complex violent behaviors to insure any data leaving the hive is perfectly adapted to nature's most lucrative and sweetest grants. It really is a marvel of natural selection, and explains why the climate researcher continues to thrive in any kind of weather condition.


Many of those behaviors are on display in the security film, as we see a sexless group of drone graduate students processing a raw datum with saliva, sawdust and Fortran code. After each iteration the time series is presented to the Alpha Grantwriter to see if fits inside his graph. Several graduate drones die of exhaustion, but the data eventually fit the template.

Next the Alpha Grantwriter flies to an international climate research conference with the completed PowerPoint template, where he will share his guano with other Alpha Grantwriters over cocktails in the hotel lounge. This is a process metascientists refer to as "peer review."

Professor Nigel V.H. Oldham

Among climate researchers, peer review seems to serve three purposes. First, it rewards the hives that have the most successful data torturers. Second it singles out mutant hives for elimination. Third, it allows the Alpha Grantwriters to expense drinks.


The Alpha Grantwriter in our hive has been very successful indeed. He has earned three publications, a keynote address, and attracts the attention of a suitor from the symbiotic grant-giving predator genus Lucra Ecologica Hysterica. The suitor's grant bags are bulging with carbon credits and tax revenues harvested using the hive's last graphs, and the pair once again engage in their annual cross-pollination ritual. They relax with a cigarette, and return to their respective hives: the Grantwriter with fresh money, the Grantgiver to Washington or Brussels with new carbon tax proposals. The circle of life is completed.

But life is not always so easy inside the hive of the climate researcher. Occasionally the sanctity of the hive is breached by a predator from the species Methodica Skeptica Scientifica, who threatens the hive with demands to see their raw data.

security film of ominous skeptic infiltrating the hive

In this rare footage, the invading skeptic is repelled by a swarm of drones before he can reach the entombed data. He makes another attempt, but the Alpha Grantwriter has called in reinforcements from the grantgiver hive and the New York Times.

Climate Researchers

Hissssss hisssssss hisssssssss


The ear-piercing screech of the swarm warns the intruder that they will cut off his peer review unless he retreats. But the the hungry skeptic is not so easily dissuaded, and returns to the hive with a Freedom of Information Act form demanding a copy of the hive's raw data.

This sends the climate researcher drones into a wild frenzy as they scramble to find and conceal the scent of the preprocessed data. To bide time the Alpha Grantwriter offers the skeptic a copy of the hockey stick graph. The skeptic threatens a lawsuit with his stinger. Thinking quickly, the Alpha Grantwriter performs an elaborate dance, communicating that the original data has been eaten, possibly by graduate drone. He presents the skeptic with the dead bodies of 10 drones as a peace offering.

Finally stymied in his efforts to reach the data, the skeptic flies away. The hive lives on.

Professor Nigel V.H. Oldham

The climate researcher is in some sense a milestone in evolutionary biology. Ever since Darwin, we have understood that a particular species adapts to its environment reality. Now for the first time, we are seeing evidence that environmental reality is adapting to a particular species. It's not really rocket science. Well okay, I guess it's really not science at all.

Join us next time on Iowahawk Geographic, when we go in search of the outer limits of the economic galaxy with "Stimulus-X: The Black Hole of the Beltway."

THE QUESTION: Reaching back to Ancient Egypt, there's been a single cabal of powerful individuals directing the course of human history. But the common man prefers to believe they don't exist, which aids their success.

SUPERGIRL: Global warming? Military upheavals in the third world? Actors elected to public office?

GREEN ARROW: The spread of coffee bars? Germs outpacing antibiotics? And boy bands? Come on! Who would gain from all this?!?

THE QUESTION: Who indeed...?

~Dialogue from "Justice League" TV cartoon series c.2001
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